demoralizing?

4 march
HAPPY BDAE GASTON!!ya today is his bdae..met lp bout 3..then ate lunch..aft which..wet over to jp to meet clarance..to get bac my card..n to borrow his book..then bout 6?cab to gaston's hse..alicia was already there..hang there for awhile..then proceeded to rent a movie..which totally sux-.- then we left bout 9.15..cab to my hse the tau huay there..ate..chatted abit..then i went home liao..

5 march
woke up today feeling good as it is my TP test today..met mr choo at 10 for a short lesson till 11..mr choo was confident tt i will pass also..then rested till 11.45..at 11.50 tester called my name..left the seat feeling good n confident..little did i know how wrong i am..i started the engine..told him that i wanted to adjust the mirrors..before i even press the button he was already complaining that y i nv move off..then move off..he say i nv check my mirrors, which i did..then went to do the slope..he complain say my acceleration not ehough..wadeva..then did parking..i wanted to move forward alittle more..cos tts wad i learnt..he say cannot mus do NOW..so i tried..opbviously not used to the angel..i touched the kerb..n did 1 extra tutrning..he penalize me for everything..then went out to the road..he say i nv use engine brake..like wtf??i was not told to use tt..as long as i stop nicely can liao..no jerkyness no nth..n the tester demerit me for not using engine brake..n braking jerkily..total demerit bout 10 points??so wtf..aft tt..he say my blind spot i check wrongly..should be left then right..not right then left..ok lo..mayb tt i was wrong?then i explained to him, he say it was rubbish..ok lo..fine..to total i failed wif 32 demerit points..i showed mr choo my slip..he said tt he saw me walking to the car wif the tester, n he is from ssdc one..so like obviously i fail la..ssdc has the loswest passing rate..then he calculated my points..n said if it was a ubi tester..i would oni have got like 10-14 demerits..which is a fucking pass lo..

so aft tt..got a lil upset cos i failed and its not my fault..i jus cant accept tt..but wad can i do?so bus-ed home wif no mood..watch fin my movie..felt hungry..so ate some chips..my so called 1st meal of the day..then mom called if i wanted food..so i say ok lo..then she came hom..asking me y i got no mood..i told her i failed..she talked n comforted me..

soon later..alicia called if i wan her gaston n lp to come over to accompany me..i said anything..so they came..drank a bit..then went off for dinner..i din eat tho..suddenly felt emo?jus ran off..then sat at one corner..talked to joshua awhile..but he din noe i was emoing..haha..then aft tt..hang up liao..then suddenly rain..dunno y oso..jus broke down?mayb cos of everything tts happening..n happening so fast..im angry, sad, fustrated, irritated wif so many things now..i guess i jus cant take it?n needed to let some of the tension off?

i miss the feeling of jus sitting in the rain..clearing my thoughts..everytime i wake up..i put on a mask..a very deceiving mask..a mask that everyone knows as the jason they noe now..i cant take off that mask..why? you may ask..because..if i did not put on that mask..u would see a very violent, disruptive, rude, defiant, cant-be-bothered jason..n i dun think that anyone will accept that..so everyday i put on a mask so thick that no one sees all that..

i used sit in the rain quite alot when i was still coaching..everytime it would storm..i would let the sailors sail abit more..send them back..slowly keep my marks..n slowly drive bac..the feeling of that cold cold water hitting me one by one..relaxes me..ya the sea relaxes me..everyone noes tt..but the rain is so much better..

n so..i sat in the rain..alone..going through my thoughts..n I WANNA SAY SRY TO LP ALICIA N GASTON..for letting u guys worry..

anyway..alicia came to find me..comforted me abit..then slowly i cooled down..then we walked in the rain..(ya i miss walking in the rain too) sat somewhere to talk abit..then we went home..home liao..drank abit more..n tried to slp..

no matter how hard i try to slp..i jus cant get to slp..if i slp..i will wake up in like 5 mins..so in the end..jus watched tv the whole night..then finally fell asleep at bout 6..woke up bout 8..used com all the way..looked thru the so many photos tt were in my hard disk..listening to the songs that i have not heard in such a long time..

anyway time for me to go bathe liao..meeting the 2 joshuas at ps at bout 2..n i think im going to be late..again..